Seems like I have to do one of these every year, so here goes…
***WARNING*** LANGUAGE CONTENT MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO SOME OF OUR YOUNGER VIEWERS:
What the hell is wrong with you people???
OK, now that I have that out of the way, I feel so much better! This has been one of those “odd” weeks, where you can only shake your head at some of the people that come up here from the real world. Makes me even more glad I don’t experience the real world very much! Case in point…
Tanis and I went out to check our gear on the Akwe Monday morning. We came back to the cabin and I noticed someone standing immediately behind the plane. On closer inspection, his pants were down around his knees. WTF??? He is balancing himself by holding onto the tail of the plane while taking a dump. REALLY? Right there?? Where I have to walk??? Yep.
I approach and ask relatively politely why. He responds, “I shit my pants Bro”. Yes, but why do you have to take a crap right next to my plane, where I have to step for my preflight and it will attract animals to the plane??? He responds again, “I shit my pants bro”.
1) I’m a white male, just as this guy is. We have no cultural connection in white America to unite us in any way. No shared experience that could in any possible sense of the word make us “brothers”.
2) I don’t speak Jive. Any modern colloquialism involving the word “bro” has absolutely no place in my vocabulary, nor that of anyone I know. If you are trying to sound cool and hip by calling me “bro” while taking a shit next to my airplane, you have already failed.
3) As I tried to get across to him… he had to walk about 100 yards across tall weeds and beach rye grass amongst piles of driftwood and logs to get to the only small spot that is mowed and obviously cultivated as someone’s yard. ANY place other than immediately next to my plane would have been fine for him to unload. ANY place would have been easier for him to take care of his business. He had to work hard to have this “event” adversely impact me and he made a conscious decision to impact me. Like I said earlier… WTF???
Not to worry too much. This is the second such event to happen this week. I noticed the day before that there was another runny pile of shit next to my plane about 10 feet from where he made his pile. Someone I didn’t catch in the act left their mark over by the right wing. When Tanis and I went to load our fish into our bins, I discovered that the other person was kind enough to “bury” their mess by placing one of my fish tubs on top of their smeary pile of TP, so I had human excrement stuck to the underside of the tub, where I would need to lift it with my hand and skid it across the floor of my plane.
Our guest did offer to clean up his mess (with one more expression of my favorite salutation “I shit my pants bro”). I wondered at the time how exactly he planned to do that, with runny diarrhea in the mowed grass. Scooping with his bare fingers? Probably not. I left him alone to “finish up” and returned with a shovel a few minutes later to clean up what he made no attempt to deal with. By then, he was over by the river tying on a lure. At least he didn’t cover it with one of my fish tubs.
What is it with my plane and fishermen in need of crapping? Two years ago when I had the plane tied down in the cutout in the trees, an entire group of fishermen had some sort of communal crapfest next to the plane. The shit and TP mess was so bad and so widespread that we ended up having a gigantic bonfire that we rolled around the area to consume it all. This is the f-ing Alaska wilderness! You can crap ANYWHERE! Why does an aircraft attract shit? Literally!
Imagine some homeless guy coming into your yard and taking a crap on your lawn, right next to your BBQer. Would you be pissed? Would him saying “I shit my pants bro” ease your pissedness? Are you really this oblivious, or do you really think this is rational? I know you were having a bad day and that was why I was trying with all my might to be nice about it. But come on!
There is a bus stop in front of my cabin. The “bus” flies, but it is still just a bus. I have had the bus passengers come into my cabin and take my kitchen chairs to the river to clean fish on. They have dumped my gear out of my totes, so they could put their stuff in them. I have come home to find guys in soaking wet waders sitting on my cloth couch. It takes about a month for that to dry out, in case you were wondering…
Tuesday, 4 guys took my white fish tub that I had protecting nets down to the river’s edge to cover their fish. They were nowhere to be seen. After I retrieved it from the river where it easily could have floated away, they returned to take two of my fish cans we use to fly fish in. I only have 6 of them and all 6 are needed to fill a load in the plane. The next day after putting fish in whatever tubs I could scrape together (shitsmear and all), we found the two missing tubs in the grass 100 yards away where their plane picked them up. At least we got them back again.
Last week, a guy unloaded a long string of f-bombs at Pat because he chose to fish in the middle of our designated ATV crossing. We cross the Middle Italio at two possible designated spots and the Forest Service doesn’t allow us to do it anywhere else. These two spots are below the tideline and the shallowest fords, therefore fish don’t hold there. He was demanding Pat’s name, so he could look him up online (presumably to write some bad review on Angie’s List or some dumb thing like that), then reached into his coat like he was going to pull a gun on Pat… That’s just about the f-bombingest dumb thing you could do out in the Alaska wilderness and his embarrassed buddies knew it…
Like I said, it seems like I have to type one of these posts once a year… My apologies. Understand that we had about 200 people dropped off on the Middle Italio this week. 2 of 200 shit by the plane. 4 stole my equipment. One threatened the only guide on the river with a gun. Two groups stuffed their lunch garbage into my ice tote. 4.5% of the people are absolute dumbass morons. 95.5% are decent human beings that have at least enough common sense not to shit themselves and then share it with complete strangers. The odds are good, but boy do those few cast a big, stinky shadow.
Let’s hope next week goes a little smoother. Bro.
Right where I need to walk, when inspecting the plane before flight and/or where the nose-wheel will roll through
Identity concealed to protect the stupid – notice all the “good” places to take a crap?